( in light of noctis' confession, kaladin closes his eyes. every choice feels wrong, and everyone around him has always made it feel worse. is that how noctis feels? does he dare open his heart to that?
a little too late to be considering that now when he's become invested in his friend's wellbeing. )
Without including me in the decision or making an assumption about how I feel about the conversation Tell me once more that you don't want to talk about it Then I won't push any further
But if even a small part of you needs this It's okay You're safe with me
They're monumental words he doesn't want to disgrace by turning away from him, but it's hard when he feels battered and angry. Kaladin wasn't the one who left bruises, but he's still the one pushing him to show them, isn't he?
"Valid consent", huh... If that man he wanted to help was hurting physically and he's hurting mentally or emotionally, is there a difference? His upbringing would say yes. Maybe Kaladin wouldn't. ]
( it feels like he's making progress with noctis. incremental, but that's what's needed now. small stepsβan acknowledgement. his friend needs someone to talk to, and knowing that only empowers kaladin.
his father sounds... stubborn. refusing aid, thinking it's the strong thing to do, and not wanting to appear weak or like a burden to others. not realizing it causes more harm to the people around him, not less. inspiring bitterness. anger.
human emotions. )
It's not stupid If it were you'd think I was stupid Or someone else who's experienced something they never wanted to
Some memories are there to help us survive You saw your father act that way and it created an instinct in you to avoid experiencing it again I think I'm no expert but I'm trying to learn more about the mind How it works and why we feel the way we do
Noctis I don't think you're complaining I think you're expressing your understandable reaction to a serious issue you encountered
I told you I'm still learning If I'm pissing you off maybe I was heavy-handed or putting that on you when I shouldn't
( there's a disconnect here that kaladin picks up on after too long considering noctis' words.
he uses past-tense when referring to his father. he speaks as though his father's gone. )
Some people want to convince themselves and others they're okay I did the same thing once I think I still do it sometimes To seem like less of a burden it seems like the safest answer is that I'm fine And I'd like to believe that I'm fine That doesn't make it any less frustrating for the people I'm saying it to
Let's follow your gut If you think he's in trouble and posturing then we'll go get him Better safe than sorry Always
Holding your shit together so it doesn't make things worse for everybody else, staying quiet when it's just going to cause worry. I'm not going to hold that against you when I do it too
[ Everyone who's ever set foot in the Citadel has had that experience. Felt the pressures of image bearing down on them and the need to fit into a certain mold to be worthy of them. ]
It's different when you're just lying and you know you are, and you know what the consequences are going to be
[ "Loving and selfish" makes him bristle. The worst part is, he doesn't know which word it is that gets under his skin, not wanting to ascribe either to his father's actions when he's still so angry. ]
Yeah
I just can't stop thinking about it
If he'd told me the truth about what he was going through, how things would be different. If he let me do smth for once
Things bubble up sometimes This conversation was important I got to know you better And we've identified an issue we can solve once we ditch this caravan
( checking in on a man who may still be hurt.
he trusted noctis to inform him, and noctis should trust him to help. they're becoming closer, which would ordinarily scare kaladin. it doesn't this time. )
[ He feels... both better and worse. It's a lighter feeling, getting to actually talk to someone about his negative emotions as well as his positive ones. But the guilt of opening up and having his views go unchallenged again is something that leaves him unexpectedly adrift and crushingly self-conscious now that he's calming down. ]
Trust me I'm ready to be out and to get back
I'm guessing the situation there is pretty rough too
[ His own camper has been abuzz with unnecessary chatter, the kind that has served only to annoy him further while they've carried on a conversation he's both needed and dreaded. It was a distraction from his thoughts, thoughts that had turned uncharitable the longer the background noise continued and his comrades sank in his estimation from teammates to disturbances.
Now, with Kaladin's final words unexpectedly leaping into prominence and causing a groundswell of emotion to manifest in a tight chest, he's dizzyingly grateful.
They don't hear the soft grunt as he attempts to clear a growing lump from his throat and they don't look beyond the glow of bright eyes β a clear indicator of his ongoing conversation β to recognize that they're wet. Whatever words Kaladin might've added to provide clarity to a broad offer (that his assistance extends to helping a stubborn old man, or that Noctis can have another pair of hands in dealing with any other civilians in need that they might encounter) don't matter, and he liberally applies it right where he needs it.
Yes, it's been lonely. Yes, he's needed help addressing grief that he's managed to even mildly relieve in a conversation where he nevertheless wasn't forced to apply a direct label to his father's condition.
And no one has directly said something quite so open and quite so caring.
Fingers brush against wet cheeks, stunned to feel tears against his fingertips, before adamantly wiping them away, regaining some semblance of composure. ]
I can't believe you're still interested in learning Most people would've given up on all that by now They're not very useful here when messaging can be done more quickly with the implant
( noctis doesn't know what he's saying. the care he needs is challenging to give, and as a friend, kaladin believes he's only shown himself to be physically reliable. socially and emotionally, hasn't he failed everyone he's cared about?
he and noctis have grown closer these past couple of months. it took more time for the members of the bridge crew he ran with to ally themselves under his leadership and become his comrades. now he can feel it... the familiar pull noctis has on him, so like adolin in his obstinacy to be present for him.
it's impossible to define clearly; kaladin knows he's refusing to hear it in his tone of voice or see it in how they interact with each other. he can't internalize thisβworse, externalize it and put it on a relationship that is so new. he doesn't want to be a burden, as he's been so many times before.
that doesn't mean noctis' kind words aren't clung to. they settle over him like a warm, heavy blanket, comforting and encompassing. a man could get addicted to that kind of attention. )
You'd be a wind runner Of all the orders of radiants You'd be like me
Which would make you a member of bridge four My crew My men
[ What he expects is perhaps a final wearing down of Kaladin that ends in his agreement to teach him, or maybe a few jokes at the expense of Noctis's competitive nature. Insteadβ ]
You decided that pretty fast
[ It feels like an invitation to be part of something. Noctis doesn't need to know what that is necessarily to feel warmth over his own inclusion. ]
What's it mean to be a wind runner? And to be in your crew
No I didn't I've been considering it for some time now
Being a wind runner means whatever you want it to mean You follow the path where you'd like it to go It's the freedom to make choices and have the power to do so
So is bridge four The name has evolved beyond its original meaning Now it means you're one of us and we're one of you Our comrades will be grateful to you for looking out for me You're welcome anywhere we are
[ There's an odd mixture of gratitude and apprehension that washes over him, and the latter fades as Kaladin explains just what it is to be part of his alliance. To be a wind runner, to be welcomed into a role that clearly means so much to him but one which he's willing to share with him.
It's precious.
And suddenly, he becomes hyper-aware of just how much. ]
Sounds like a pretty serious offer
You sure you want some rich kid in your group? Bc maybe you don't take that stuff lightly but neither do I
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
( in light of noctis' confession, kaladin closes his eyes. every choice feels wrong, and everyone around him has always made it feel worse. is that how noctis feels? does he dare open his heart to that?
a little too late to be considering that now when he's become invested in his friend's wellbeing. )
Without including me in the decision or making an assumption about how I feel about the conversation
Tell me once more that you don't want to talk about it
Then I won't push any further
But if even a small part of you needs this
It's okay
You're safe with me
1/2
"We're friends."
"Our trust in one another."
They're monumental words he doesn't want to disgrace by turning away from him, but it's hard when he feels battered and angry. Kaladin wasn't the one who left bruises, but he's still the one pushing him to show them, isn't he?
"Valid consent", huh... If that man he wanted to help was hurting physically and he's hurting mentally or emotionally, is there a difference? His upbringing would say yes. Maybe Kaladin wouldn't. ]
I don't know
2/3, I LIED AGAIN
It's new for me
But I guess seeing that guy acting tough in front of his kid reminded me of my dad a little
And it set me off so that I didn't think twice
3/3
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his father sounds... stubborn. refusing aid, thinking it's the strong thing to do, and not wanting to appear weak or like a burden to others. not realizing it causes more harm to the people around him, not less. inspiring bitterness. anger.
human emotions. )
It's not stupid
If it were you'd think I was stupid
Or someone else who's experienced something they never wanted to
Some memories are there to help us survive
You saw your father act that way and it created an instinct in you to avoid experiencing it again
I think
I'm no expert but I'm trying to learn more about the mind
How it works and why we feel the way we do
Why did it set you off
no subject
And now you're asking me why it set me off after telling me your own theory
My old man didn't ask for help and now this idiot isn't going to either? For what? Dad at least had a reason
What else is that guy if not just proud and stubborn, anyone would get pissed
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I think you're expressing your understandable reaction to a serious issue you encountered
I told you I'm still learning
If I'm pissing you off maybe I was heavy-handed or putting that on you when I shouldn't
( there's a disconnect here that kaladin picks up on after too long considering noctis' words.
he uses past-tense when referring to his father. he speaks as though his father's gone. )
Some people want to convince themselves and others they're okay
I did the same thing once
I think I still do it sometimes
To seem like less of a burden it seems like the safest answer is that I'm fine
And I'd like to believe that I'm fine
That doesn't make it any less frustrating for the people I'm saying it to
Let's follow your gut
If you think he's in trouble and posturing then we'll go get him
Better safe than sorry
Always
no subject
Holding your shit together so it doesn't make things worse for everybody else, staying quiet when it's just going to cause worry. I'm not going to hold that against you when I do it too
[ Everyone who's ever set foot in the Citadel has had that experience. Felt the pressures of image bearing down on them and the need to fit into a certain mold to be worthy of them. ]
It's different when you're just lying and you know you are, and you know what the consequences are going to be
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I can believe it's not dishonourable but I hesitate to give it a good name
It's both loving and selfish
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Yeah
I just can't stop thinking about it
If he'd told me the truth about what he was going through, how things would be different. If he let me do smth for once
no subject
dark eyes soften. )
It sounds lonely
Being kept in the dark like that
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[ That defensive reflex comes back and without warning, not even sure what it is he means to prove. Maybe this is all just still too new. ]
But thanks for listening
I wasn't planning to talk about this stuff when I messaged you
no subject
Thanks for talking about it
Things bubble up sometimes
This conversation was important
I got to know you better
And we've identified an issue we can solve once we ditch this caravan
( checking in on a man who may still be hurt.
he trusted noctis to inform him, and noctis should trust him to help. they're becoming closer, which would ordinarily scare kaladin. it doesn't this time. )
no subject
[ He feels... both better and worse. It's a lighter feeling, getting to actually talk to someone about his negative emotions as well as his positive ones. But the guilt of opening up and having his views go unchallenged again is something that leaves him unexpectedly adrift and crushingly self-conscious now that he's calming down. ]
Trust me I'm ready to be out and to get back
I'm guessing the situation there is pretty rough too
no subject
Everyone in the camper vehicle has lost their storming minds
( passive-aggressively plugs an ear at the noise )
We've had to move a few trees
Nothing too bad yet
The civilians are my highest priority
None of this data collection matters in comparison
I can be with you if you need me
1/2
Now, with Kaladin's final words unexpectedly leaping into prominence and causing a groundswell of emotion to manifest in a tight chest, he's dizzyingly grateful.
They don't hear the soft grunt as he attempts to clear a growing lump from his throat and they don't look beyond the glow of bright eyes β a clear indicator of his ongoing conversation β to recognize that they're wet. Whatever words Kaladin might've added to provide clarity to a broad offer (that his assistance extends to helping a stubborn old man, or that Noctis can have another pair of hands in dealing with any other civilians in need that they might encounter) don't matter, and he liberally applies it right where he needs it.
Yes, it's been lonely. Yes, he's needed help addressing grief that he's managed to even mildly relieve in a conversation where he nevertheless wasn't forced to apply a direct label to his father's condition.
And no one has directly said something quite so open and quite so caring.
Fingers brush against wet cheeks, stunned to feel tears against his fingertips, before adamantly wiping them away, regaining some semblance of composure. ]
Thanks
I'll probably take you up on that
2/2
Just an fyi that you have to watch that or people are going to get more info from you than you want to share
no subject
( and he means it. he doesn't sleep well anyway. )
Is that my implant you're talking about
Bah
I hadn't realized it was listening without my consent
Troubling
But I'll remember your warning
Thanks
I wish this thing weren't so crucial to our day-to-day
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Hey
Teach me some of your glyphs when we meet up
no subject
I can't believe you're still interested in learning
Most people would've given up on all that by now
They're not very useful here when messaging can be done more quickly with the implant
no subject
If you're gonna be there for me then I'm gonna be there twice as hard for you, which means knowing more about you
no subject
he and noctis have grown closer these past couple of months. it took more time for the members of the bridge crew he ran with to ally themselves under his leadership and become his comrades. now he can feel it... the familiar pull noctis has on him, so like adolin in his obstinacy to be present for him.
it's impossible to define clearly; kaladin knows he's refusing to hear it in his tone of voice or see it in how they interact with each other. he can't internalize thisβworse, externalize it and put it on a relationship that is so new. he doesn't want to be a burden, as he's been so many times before.
that doesn't mean noctis' kind words aren't clung to. they settle over him like a warm, heavy blanket, comforting and encompassing. a man could get addicted to that kind of attention. )
You'd be a wind runner
Of all the orders of radiants
You'd be like me
Which would make you a member of bridge four
My crew
My men
I'll teach you the glyphs
And the salute
no subject
You decided that pretty fast
[ It feels like an invitation to be part of something. Noctis doesn't need to know what that is necessarily to feel warmth over his own inclusion. ]
What's it mean to be a wind runner? And to be in your crew
no subject
I've been considering it for some time now
Being a wind runner means whatever you want it to mean
You follow the path where you'd like it to go
It's the freedom to make choices and have the power to do so
So is bridge four
The name has evolved beyond its original meaning
Now it means you're one of us and we're one of you
Our comrades will be grateful to you for looking out for me
You're welcome anywhere we are
no subject
It's precious.
And suddenly, he becomes hyper-aware of just how much. ]
Sounds like a pretty serious offer
You sure you want some rich kid in your group? Bc maybe you don't take that stuff lightly but neither do I
So jokes aside you better mean it
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