( aggressive, bordering hostile. defensive is what it is, and kaladin tries not to take that personally. noctis has been through a lotβhe's going through even more now.
he takes a deep breath in, then releases it slowly. )
That's okay Getting tired of it Being angry
But there's something within reach that you wish you take care of right now Something small but still a significant weight on your shoulders You just said it Once you arrive we'll turn back around and check on that civilian you're worried about I'll take us there Faster than any van
( that's how they become a little less tired and a little less angry. one less thing. )
[ The reply comes out all at once and without thought, and as he reads it back to stoke his own regret it isn't his voice he reads it in. It's Gladio's. It's Cor's. It's Regis's.
Kaladin is patiently proving himself to be someone worthy of his trust, and all he can do is lash out at him to further extend the reach of his own self-flagellation.
Damn it, Noctis. ]
Yeah let's go. Thanks
He had his son there with him but he wouldn't let him help. Just kept yelling at him to go back inside
I'm stubborn So I'm going to keep telling you it is You let me know when you start to believe me
( there's something thoughtlessly arrogant about the declaration. confident, as though kaladin is certain he's right. he knows noctis has the strength to open up to him. to accept that being tired and angry is okay. that being overwhelmed is okay.
he knows this, and he'll wait for him. )
Valid consent A patient can consent to or reject treatment voluntarily without external pressure or force There are a lot of new things I had to learn to be a paramedic here I'm still struggling with a lot of the ideas
But that one I hate it If that man's still injured and he sees us coming he better try to run or hide because I'm going to strap him to a chair until I've had a look at him
We can make our own rules here We can do what we want within the parameters of the missions Lilith gives us That means no one can stop us from shirking data collection to do something more important We choose what we want to worry about What do you think about that
[ He's exasperated and unable to tell if that's because of Kaladin or himself, sure that at least one of them is too deep into their current mindset but he can't trust that it isn't himself. Or both of them.
There's something caught behind his teeth, and worse than not knowing what that is is not knowing what'll happen if he lets it loose. ]
That's bullshit
Valid consent? If someone's hurting you help them, who cares what they want. Maybe what they want is worse for everyone else. What about the kid?
You're asking me questions like you have some answer you want me to say and idk what it is, so you're gonna end up disappointed okay
I know I wanna help him and I know I'm pissed at how he was acting so that should be good enough
What I'm doing by asking you questions I already know the answer to is reaffirming our trust in one another That's valid consent We want the same thing So why would I ever be disappointed in what you just said
( in light of noctis' confession, kaladin closes his eyes. every choice feels wrong, and everyone around him has always made it feel worse. is that how noctis feels? does he dare open his heart to that?
a little too late to be considering that now when he's become invested in his friend's wellbeing. )
Without including me in the decision or making an assumption about how I feel about the conversation Tell me once more that you don't want to talk about it Then I won't push any further
But if even a small part of you needs this It's okay You're safe with me
They're monumental words he doesn't want to disgrace by turning away from him, but it's hard when he feels battered and angry. Kaladin wasn't the one who left bruises, but he's still the one pushing him to show them, isn't he?
"Valid consent", huh... If that man he wanted to help was hurting physically and he's hurting mentally or emotionally, is there a difference? His upbringing would say yes. Maybe Kaladin wouldn't. ]
( it feels like he's making progress with noctis. incremental, but that's what's needed now. small stepsβan acknowledgement. his friend needs someone to talk to, and knowing that only empowers kaladin.
his father sounds... stubborn. refusing aid, thinking it's the strong thing to do, and not wanting to appear weak or like a burden to others. not realizing it causes more harm to the people around him, not less. inspiring bitterness. anger.
human emotions. )
It's not stupid If it were you'd think I was stupid Or someone else who's experienced something they never wanted to
Some memories are there to help us survive You saw your father act that way and it created an instinct in you to avoid experiencing it again I think I'm no expert but I'm trying to learn more about the mind How it works and why we feel the way we do
Noctis I don't think you're complaining I think you're expressing your understandable reaction to a serious issue you encountered
I told you I'm still learning If I'm pissing you off maybe I was heavy-handed or putting that on you when I shouldn't
( there's a disconnect here that kaladin picks up on after too long considering noctis' words.
he uses past-tense when referring to his father. he speaks as though his father's gone. )
Some people want to convince themselves and others they're okay I did the same thing once I think I still do it sometimes To seem like less of a burden it seems like the safest answer is that I'm fine And I'd like to believe that I'm fine That doesn't make it any less frustrating for the people I'm saying it to
Let's follow your gut If you think he's in trouble and posturing then we'll go get him Better safe than sorry Always
Holding your shit together so it doesn't make things worse for everybody else, staying quiet when it's just going to cause worry. I'm not going to hold that against you when I do it too
[ Everyone who's ever set foot in the Citadel has had that experience. Felt the pressures of image bearing down on them and the need to fit into a certain mold to be worthy of them. ]
It's different when you're just lying and you know you are, and you know what the consequences are going to be
[ "Loving and selfish" makes him bristle. The worst part is, he doesn't know which word it is that gets under his skin, not wanting to ascribe either to his father's actions when he's still so angry. ]
Yeah
I just can't stop thinking about it
If he'd told me the truth about what he was going through, how things would be different. If he let me do smth for once
Things bubble up sometimes This conversation was important I got to know you better And we've identified an issue we can solve once we ditch this caravan
( checking in on a man who may still be hurt.
he trusted noctis to inform him, and noctis should trust him to help. they're becoming closer, which would ordinarily scare kaladin. it doesn't this time. )
[ He feels... both better and worse. It's a lighter feeling, getting to actually talk to someone about his negative emotions as well as his positive ones. But the guilt of opening up and having his views go unchallenged again is something that leaves him unexpectedly adrift and crushingly self-conscious now that he's calming down. ]
Trust me I'm ready to be out and to get back
I'm guessing the situation there is pretty rough too
[ His own camper has been abuzz with unnecessary chatter, the kind that has served only to annoy him further while they've carried on a conversation he's both needed and dreaded. It was a distraction from his thoughts, thoughts that had turned uncharitable the longer the background noise continued and his comrades sank in his estimation from teammates to disturbances.
Now, with Kaladin's final words unexpectedly leaping into prominence and causing a groundswell of emotion to manifest in a tight chest, he's dizzyingly grateful.
They don't hear the soft grunt as he attempts to clear a growing lump from his throat and they don't look beyond the glow of bright eyes β a clear indicator of his ongoing conversation β to recognize that they're wet. Whatever words Kaladin might've added to provide clarity to a broad offer (that his assistance extends to helping a stubborn old man, or that Noctis can have another pair of hands in dealing with any other civilians in need that they might encounter) don't matter, and he liberally applies it right where he needs it.
Yes, it's been lonely. Yes, he's needed help addressing grief that he's managed to even mildly relieve in a conversation where he nevertheless wasn't forced to apply a direct label to his father's condition.
And no one has directly said something quite so open and quite so caring.
Fingers brush against wet cheeks, stunned to feel tears against his fingertips, before adamantly wiping them away, regaining some semblance of composure. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
2/2
I'm just tired
no subject
he takes a deep breath in, then releases it slowly. )
That's okay
Getting tired of it
Being angry
But there's something within reach that you wish you take care of right now
Something small but still a significant weight on your shoulders
You just said it
Once you arrive we'll turn back around and check on that civilian you're worried about
I'll take us there
Faster than any van
( that's how they become a little less tired and a little less angry. one less thing. )
Let me help
no subject
[ The reply comes out all at once and without thought, and as he reads it back to stoke his own regret it isn't his voice he reads it in. It's Gladio's. It's Cor's. It's Regis's.
Kaladin is patiently proving himself to be someone worthy of his trust, and all he can do is lash out at him to further extend the reach of his own self-flagellation.
Damn it, Noctis. ]
Yeah let's go. Thanks
He had his son there with him but he wouldn't let him help. Just kept yelling at him to go back inside
no subject
So I'm going to keep telling you it is
You let me know when you start to believe me
( there's something thoughtlessly arrogant about the declaration. confident, as though kaladin is certain he's right. he knows noctis has the strength to open up to him. to accept that being tired and angry is okay. that being overwhelmed is okay.
he knows this, and he'll wait for him. )
Valid consent
A patient can consent to or reject treatment voluntarily without external pressure or force
There are a lot of new things I had to learn to be a paramedic here
I'm still struggling with a lot of the ideas
But that one
I hate it
If that man's still injured and he sees us coming he better try to run or hide because I'm going to strap him to a chair until I've had a look at him
We can make our own rules here
We can do what we want within the parameters of the missions Lilith gives us
That means no one can stop us from shirking data collection to do something more important
We choose what we want to worry about
What do you think about that
no subject
[ He's exasperated and unable to tell if that's because of Kaladin or himself, sure that at least one of them is too deep into their current mindset but he can't trust that it isn't himself. Or both of them.
There's something caught behind his teeth, and worse than not knowing what that is is not knowing what'll happen if he lets it loose. ]
That's bullshit
Valid consent? If someone's hurting you help them, who cares what they want. Maybe what they want is worse for everyone else. What about the kid?
You're asking me questions like you have some answer you want me to say and idk what it is, so you're gonna end up disappointed okay
I know I wanna help him and I know I'm pissed at how he was acting so that should be good enough
no subject
That's valid consent
We want the same thing
So why would I ever be disappointed in what you just said
1/2
[ And out it slips, more unwanted honesty. ]
2/2
no subject
( in light of noctis' confession, kaladin closes his eyes. every choice feels wrong, and everyone around him has always made it feel worse. is that how noctis feels? does he dare open his heart to that?
a little too late to be considering that now when he's become invested in his friend's wellbeing. )
Without including me in the decision or making an assumption about how I feel about the conversation
Tell me once more that you don't want to talk about it
Then I won't push any further
But if even a small part of you needs this
It's okay
You're safe with me
1/2
"We're friends."
"Our trust in one another."
They're monumental words he doesn't want to disgrace by turning away from him, but it's hard when he feels battered and angry. Kaladin wasn't the one who left bruises, but he's still the one pushing him to show them, isn't he?
"Valid consent", huh... If that man he wanted to help was hurting physically and he's hurting mentally or emotionally, is there a difference? His upbringing would say yes. Maybe Kaladin wouldn't. ]
I don't know
2/3, I LIED AGAIN
It's new for me
But I guess seeing that guy acting tough in front of his kid reminded me of my dad a little
And it set me off so that I didn't think twice
3/3
no subject
his father sounds... stubborn. refusing aid, thinking it's the strong thing to do, and not wanting to appear weak or like a burden to others. not realizing it causes more harm to the people around him, not less. inspiring bitterness. anger.
human emotions. )
It's not stupid
If it were you'd think I was stupid
Or someone else who's experienced something they never wanted to
Some memories are there to help us survive
You saw your father act that way and it created an instinct in you to avoid experiencing it again
I think
I'm no expert but I'm trying to learn more about the mind
How it works and why we feel the way we do
Why did it set you off
no subject
And now you're asking me why it set me off after telling me your own theory
My old man didn't ask for help and now this idiot isn't going to either? For what? Dad at least had a reason
What else is that guy if not just proud and stubborn, anyone would get pissed
no subject
I think you're expressing your understandable reaction to a serious issue you encountered
I told you I'm still learning
If I'm pissing you off maybe I was heavy-handed or putting that on you when I shouldn't
( there's a disconnect here that kaladin picks up on after too long considering noctis' words.
he uses past-tense when referring to his father. he speaks as though his father's gone. )
Some people want to convince themselves and others they're okay
I did the same thing once
I think I still do it sometimes
To seem like less of a burden it seems like the safest answer is that I'm fine
And I'd like to believe that I'm fine
That doesn't make it any less frustrating for the people I'm saying it to
Let's follow your gut
If you think he's in trouble and posturing then we'll go get him
Better safe than sorry
Always
no subject
Holding your shit together so it doesn't make things worse for everybody else, staying quiet when it's just going to cause worry. I'm not going to hold that against you when I do it too
[ Everyone who's ever set foot in the Citadel has had that experience. Felt the pressures of image bearing down on them and the need to fit into a certain mold to be worthy of them. ]
It's different when you're just lying and you know you are, and you know what the consequences are going to be
no subject
I can believe it's not dishonourable but I hesitate to give it a good name
It's both loving and selfish
no subject
Yeah
I just can't stop thinking about it
If he'd told me the truth about what he was going through, how things would be different. If he let me do smth for once
no subject
dark eyes soften. )
It sounds lonely
Being kept in the dark like that
no subject
[ That defensive reflex comes back and without warning, not even sure what it is he means to prove. Maybe this is all just still too new. ]
But thanks for listening
I wasn't planning to talk about this stuff when I messaged you
no subject
Thanks for talking about it
Things bubble up sometimes
This conversation was important
I got to know you better
And we've identified an issue we can solve once we ditch this caravan
( checking in on a man who may still be hurt.
he trusted noctis to inform him, and noctis should trust him to help. they're becoming closer, which would ordinarily scare kaladin. it doesn't this time. )
no subject
[ He feels... both better and worse. It's a lighter feeling, getting to actually talk to someone about his negative emotions as well as his positive ones. But the guilt of opening up and having his views go unchallenged again is something that leaves him unexpectedly adrift and crushingly self-conscious now that he's calming down. ]
Trust me I'm ready to be out and to get back
I'm guessing the situation there is pretty rough too
no subject
Everyone in the camper vehicle has lost their storming minds
( passive-aggressively plugs an ear at the noise )
We've had to move a few trees
Nothing too bad yet
The civilians are my highest priority
None of this data collection matters in comparison
I can be with you if you need me
1/2
Now, with Kaladin's final words unexpectedly leaping into prominence and causing a groundswell of emotion to manifest in a tight chest, he's dizzyingly grateful.
They don't hear the soft grunt as he attempts to clear a growing lump from his throat and they don't look beyond the glow of bright eyes β a clear indicator of his ongoing conversation β to recognize that they're wet. Whatever words Kaladin might've added to provide clarity to a broad offer (that his assistance extends to helping a stubborn old man, or that Noctis can have another pair of hands in dealing with any other civilians in need that they might encounter) don't matter, and he liberally applies it right where he needs it.
Yes, it's been lonely. Yes, he's needed help addressing grief that he's managed to even mildly relieve in a conversation where he nevertheless wasn't forced to apply a direct label to his father's condition.
And no one has directly said something quite so open and quite so caring.
Fingers brush against wet cheeks, stunned to feel tears against his fingertips, before adamantly wiping them away, regaining some semblance of composure. ]
Thanks
I'll probably take you up on that
2/2
Just an fyi that you have to watch that or people are going to get more info from you than you want to share
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)